When all I ever wanted was disregarded.

I am not mad or disappointed. I am neither frustrated nor tormenting. Rather I am scared. I have seen myself in that situation for so long, I dreamt of it. And seeing the view starting to fade makes me frighten. I want to be there, always. But the picture is starting to lose its color now.

For the past couple of months that is what I have always been asking; praying for guidance, hoping for a miracle.  I don’t believe in signs because I was once told that we should be mature enough to make a decision based on our judgment. And I don’t want to quit because that what makes my whole desire.  But after losing the chance to get there I don’t know where I will stand. Do I still need to continue chasing what I am after or nurture that one that is in my hand?

I know, not getting what you want doesn't give you a license to practice malevolence. Not having an answered prayer doesn't justify you for not believing.  But right now I just feel numbness. It’s like the spirit is still willing to fight but the flesh has weakened to attack. And I am just praying for enlightenment. I am praying for knowledge to be certain on things that I should be looking at. I just want answers.  Because honestly, I really want to go on.. I want to be there.. but with God's blessing.