uttering..

Reading those lines and checking her fb acct makes no difference. I’m still aggravated. And to make it harder, I’m not allowed to speak about it, I’m not accepted to give a comment, and all that is left is for me to pretend that it’s nothing. I was doomed to be annoyed. It’s the consequence for coming after my core, a misfortune maybe.

I miss zab, the one who listens thoroughly.

I miss issa, the one who gets the emotion.

I miss em, the one who never fails to be an ally.

I miss gen the one who laughs with my ideas.

I miss margi the one whose temper serves as my buffer.

I miss talking and be accepted. I miss being me but still embraced genuinely. I just want my dwelling to come back, but after the realization I just learned that I never had it on the first place. I’m just a refugee waiting to be home..

Midnight Train to Georgia

It may sound so weird if I'm going to say that for almost two days, this song is the only thing in my playlist. (how come I can still say its a playlist? lol) but i do! my gulay! I can listen to this song all day long.


A powerful voice plus a great song. It's like hearing it for the first time. Best rendition so far.. The soul!

Speaking in Letter

That was the first time I asked permission to the superior for the inconvenience that I might be able to bring on sleeping over. I did it with purpose. One cause I know that I’m going to stay for 2 nights sharing for their funds, two cause I know that being there might change their routine for a while. Respect is along with the approval. And upon allowing being there, I know that it will be of great help for my part. And I was thankful. I know that was something different and good, cause for the first time I directed my request to the elder.

But I was shocked to know what really happened. Because at her age I am asking for a little maturity beyond any circumstances. Maybe I expected much. Didn’t I? It was fun to know the truth, but it was also offending to be aware of the details.

Now it feels like being there is more of a burden. Is 2 nights too much? And thinking time and again makes my body to demand for a foul! Though I wasn't really the issue, my existence made the matter to arise. And that what makes it unpleasant.

Giving the comfort place of the house owner to the visitor is nothing really for a host. It’s a house rule for those who are hospitable. But there, it’s like so unjust! Saying that she is the one entitled is also like saying “shame on you aby! That’s my area!”. I thought everything was fine, but my presence just brought distress to the titleholder. If that’s the case I was better left not to be permitted, it would be fine sometimes to make an alibi.

It’s not only the relatives that can feel the embarrassment on what the subject is about, but also the visitor who felt that she was an obligation that’s holding each others security. And going back there is shameless.

I’m neither mad nor bothered, but I’m offended and disappointed.

Over and Done

Read between the lines.

Im jealous, im mad.

Im afflicted im sad.

Im annoyed, and I snubbed.

We talked. And we hurt each other once more. And upon checking page by page, I got this notion that I can’t own someone completely, no matter how I want, there will always be something left for me not to be close. There will always something for us to be different, for us not to understand, for us to enjoy other’s companionship. And with this, the fight dies down. I can’t be someone that I don’t like for us to speak again. I won’t do it.

I can’t be with someone who doesn’t give attention.

I can’t be with someone who’s asking for me to be different.

I can’t be with someone who make promises and forget about it.

I can’t be with someone who never tries.

I can’t be with someone who builds false hope.

I can’t be with someone who can’t take risk.

I can’t be with you.

Begrudge that you are normal, miserable cause I’m still not. Suffering cause you have diversion, outraged to curse you now.

Amity in depth

Friendship. How do we define it? Me? I don’t know. Haha! Is this the unity of souls? umm.. Maybe.

After thinking on what happened, I became conscious that we really can’t take each other’s extremities. And how comic it is, the realization occurred after how many years. Maybe it’s true, that blood is thicker than water, and because of that I need to be more restrained in breaking my silence. Yeah.. Today I learned, not every person who can make you smile and you can laugh with would understand how mean you could be. And with this, I suddenly miss my college friends. Those who can pace with my cruelty, those who can laugh and can spoil my brain wave. The person who could understand and make me recognize why we are different, why I am like this, and embracing every inch of my unkindness and have the courage to direct me.

 Perhaps this is how I understood friendship. It’s not just unity of souls, it’s not being the same and having the same thought but it’s more of the acceptance no matter how drivel a talk could be, how different philosophy turning around, being bold to point, and being sensitive on how to show the way. I just remember what Margi said “iba kasi si abe, pero naiintindihan ko sya, kasi...”. And now I understand why I felt at ease after hearing those words, because I know, finally I found someone who would not just believe, but also finding why she does..

Don't English me, I'm bleeding!

“Inglesera!”

This is the common word I always hear from my friends every time they are able to find my stuff. (I mean letters) Yow! What the?! And when I was on the bus this afternoon, I became bother and think, am I like that?? I never wanted to have this glow that I’m trying to portray something that I am not, and hearing those things and pondered about it made me feel unsettle that maybe saying those things time and again is their way to say that I am acting the way I should not be. And when I came home, and have the time to browse the drives and old notebooks, those letters composed from the idle moments, made me realized, hell.. I am! Haha! I am an Inglesera! =D

I love writing (certainly), but using English as my primary medium doesn’t mean I’m trying to make myself above anyone. Yes I’m a critic, but it also doesn’t mean that I’m the best.  Being a commentator is my way to say that “hey, there something for you to correct”. I can say that lot of times I’m able to find my faults in constructing my symbol, but still it doesn’t stop me for being faultfinder.  It’s just that, I’m a learner, and up to now I know that I am in the interminable line to know more about the means. That’s why I want everyone to find their lapse especially if they are motivated to use the language. For the better. For their sake. Cause I know we are all in the race for learning more.

Now, I am a self-proclaimed “inglesera” but to make things clearer its not my way to create this impression that I am better than someone else, im just a learner! And im on practice. =)