Writing in distress

There is nothing wrong with anxiety. Although we cannot control God's time, it is part of the human condition to want to receive the thing we are waiting for as quickly as possible. Or to drive away whatever is causing our fear. . . . Anxiety was born in the very same moment as mankind. And since we will never be able to master it, we will have to learn to live with it — just as we have learned to live with storms. (Manuscript Found in Accra)

You know the feeling when you’ve read something and you suddenly think that the verses thoroughly explain your existence? The passage above just hit me.

I often write about my dreams, my hope, my willingness to wait and fight for my every wanting, but despite the words I utter, I know there is something within me that holds my confidence down. Despite my faith is the anxiety that troubles me every night.

I remember when I was on the 2^nd year at the secondary school when a Christian Living teacher asked me what I would want to ask for forgiveness, and I told him that I have never been in my entire life (as early as that age), contented. I always ask for more, to aim for a higher ground. In fact I was born to go forward, not to stop, to go high. But with these years of survival and contemplating my achievements, I often ask myself, where am I now? Where am I heading?

Honestly, I don’t really want to be on top, I don’t want fame or power. All I want is for me to have this outpouring blessing that everyone is talking when it comes to their domain. But after trying any possible path, believing and convincing myself every day, saying all the kind of prayers (from asking, believing, waiting, delivering) and enduring every downfall, my conviction collapsed.

I have been angry, and withdrawn my faith to God. I even stopped asking for any blessings, accepting that life only comes in packages, whether you’re lucky or not, you’ll be getting what you want, be dispelled or will get something much better. And with this, I stop believing. I stop dreaming. Now I am just waiting for any moment that I could possibly use as channel. I stop wanting because that’s the only way to stop the anxiety, to stop being distress upon trusting that you could be different.

Now chances came. And I don’t know what path I should take in. Sometimes I wonder if God is really testing me to prove that I asked for what I really want. That I prayed for the right calling.  Sometimes, I think God is playing with me. But on the afterthought, why did I believe in Him? Is that for me to have all the favour? Did I really wait for too long? Or I just made my plans according to my own timeline?