Move by Love and Hate

Love and hate. Two different entities, different emotions, not opposing each other but rather both moved by passion.. And I love you and I hate you.

I love you for who you are, and i also hate you for that. I love you for the things you are not, but i also hate you for not becoming one. I am not expecting anything from you but i hate how you don't do anything for me to wait for something. I love you as my boyfriend but i am not seeing you as my boyfriend.

The hardest thing about love often seems to be the extremes. That's why I am embracing myself not to be left unguarded to fall down to intensity. But we are becoming obnoxious about it. You, thinking that you are no different with others, me thinking that you aren't eager enough to fill the spot where you wanted to be.

In any way, hate can be the best compliment next to love. I hate how you do it and how you don't, but at the same time loving you more and more. You give me three minutes of euphoria, and yet you give me hell for like an eternity. You persuade me and then dissuade me. I tumble in elation you brought and suddenly backing up for the annoyance you fastened to it. You cried for joy and rapidly turns to wrath due to disagreement. 

But we move on, forget, fight, and love again. Knowing and learning more each day. That is why hate doesn't make our relationship unworthy, because it's indifference that makes everything unnecessary.

In the vast ground of trees lies an old house dwelt by a girl confined with dreams. The cold breeze awakened her.

While looking everywhere she suddenly felt the shudder brought by the wind, she’s aware she ought to leave. She is setting off to coldness and she know staying might bring her numbness, causing her fixity and be trapped alone into a deserted maze.

Moving ahead she run as quickly as she can towards the ray of light. But looking how the sunlight discover the trees she saw again the beauty of the forest that once has been covered with weariness, roughness and discourtesy. After a long time the forest is now starting to grow again in green.

Once more she was caught by the forest’s beauty, and for a moment she stop thinking about the coldness that is enfolding her.  But as the sun continues to set she suddenly felt the fright for solitude.

She know moment left and she will be alone in the darkness. So she passes swiftly in the direction of the light which makes her witness more the outpouring beauty of the growing forest. As the wind blows, the trees are dancing to its rhythm rising to a further fascination. She is mesmerized, but knowing that staying would lead her on becoming alone, she run and run towards the endless line.

She can't let coldness succumb her. She can't let herself be left alone with infinity. She can't let herself be paralyzed by coldness that is cause by the growing beauty of trees. but more..  she is frightened to be forgotten. Under their unbounded sky she uttered her wish that the forest seize her, but as the trees continue to grow and she continued to run, they are now removed into two different worlds. Mistakenly.

Life in Despair - 1st part

I ‘m ok but I am unhappy. I got things I want but I am discontented.  I live but I wander.

Looking for the past months of the year 2012 that I dwelled, I was able to do things I like, to have things I enjoy; I was able to finished 19 books for the past 6 months (and expecting for more). I was able to do one of the items in my “Things to do before I die” (which is to climb a mountain). I was able to find cool places, meet different people, experience something new, and put extra knowledge on my “reservoir of information”. But still.. I am unhappy, discontented and I wander on infinity.

I flunk the assessment to continue my learning, I fail to practice the facts that I gathered; I also wasn’t able to come up to a scratch for a proficient evolution. I got a single dream but all the ways toward its direction has been jammed.

I got a dream and I worked hard to shoot that one but no matter how many prayers I uttered or how many plans I made, until now it seems like unattainable. Sometimes I have this compassion that God doesn’t hear me. And to be honest, I, sometimes feel tired on my own life. Let live on saying like “whatever will be, will be” and “come what may”; to run away and just be slave for no one; to be mad for everything and control everyone; to change my life and completely myself; to wish someone wicked and for me just to die. But I got faith. And in the end of the day I try to revoke the disloyalty that seizing me.

My devotion that God holds my life is in constant tailor, way for better, and way to a stronger one. I made this entry to remind myself that God holds my life; though anxiety visits me every now and then I should not let apprehension kill my vision. Someone is driving my life and He is the all mighty one.