When all I ever wanted was disregarded.

I am not mad or disappointed. I am neither frustrated nor tormenting. Rather I am scared. I have seen myself in that situation for so long, I dreamt of it. And seeing the view starting to fade makes me frighten. I want to be there, always. But the picture is starting to lose its color now.

For the past couple of months that is what I have always been asking; praying for guidance, hoping for a miracle.  I don’t believe in signs because I was once told that we should be mature enough to make a decision based on our judgment. And I don’t want to quit because that what makes my whole desire.  But after losing the chance to get there I don’t know where I will stand. Do I still need to continue chasing what I am after or nurture that one that is in my hand?

I know, not getting what you want doesn't give you a license to practice malevolence. Not having an answered prayer doesn't justify you for not believing.  But right now I just feel numbness. It’s like the spirit is still willing to fight but the flesh has weakened to attack. And I am just praying for enlightenment. I am praying for knowledge to be certain on things that I should be looking at. I just want answers.  Because honestly, I really want to go on.. I want to be there.. but with God's blessing.

I am FREED.

In the past few days it’s you who I always think about. I may not be certain on things that are happening to us nor being consistent in everything that I say but I know this feeling makes me feel gratified. And I am scared. I am frightened by my own feeling caused by you. And I have to take my step to be able. That’s why I am unrestricting..

And I am freeing myself.

I am freeing myself from anxiety whenever I think that I am being vulnerable saying things to you.

I am freeing myself from fear that you might do evil things that cause me to agonize again.

I am freeing myself from missing you every night without knowing why.

I am freeing myself into that infinity that makes me fleet to nowhere.

And above all I am freeing myself into this vagueness that makes me cautious to contentment.

Right now I don’t care if you do something wicked to this note.

I don’t care if you see me or by others slut upon saying what I am feeling.

I don’t care if you see us not workable because of you having a responsibility and me not wanting. I don’t care what will happen next upon telling this. It just doesn’t matter to me.

I simply want to be in serenity. I just want to sleep without hoping that I am there saying my goodnight to you. To wake up every single day without looking for my phone waiting and expecting for your text and miscalls. I just want to have my days knowing exactly what I have.

I know it’s stupid to build trust again to the person who once put mud on your face. Or to take risk upon saying things that once caused you to be terrified.  It’s absurdity to believe on mere feelings; to go even there’s a red light. But I only want to be free.

I don’t know if one day I am going to despise myself for saying all of these, for digging my own hole, for putting myself in embarrassment. But I couldn’t care less. I just want to take that step in front of me leading me to a place that I am uncertain at.

I may not be sure on the kind of feeling I am having right now, but I know this one is different from the former which made me senseless.  I just feel at ease though we’re on the midst of nowhere, I feel valued though it’s unclear. And I am confessing that once again you have conquered me.

Sincerely;

The-one-who-wants-to-see-you-personally-to-say-that-you-have-a-beautiful-hands :D