Odd talk. Strange truth.

Words have been told a hundred times but I acted deaf.

Departing has been carrying me out but I didn’t sway.

I buried myself hoping that one day he will follow

To save the broken wings that he once disposed of.

He was here. And he said hi.

He came again. And he said goodbye.

I wanted to come close, but he invented shadows to swing with us,

He created walls to bemuse the cycling romance.

Now I am waiting for him to heel me

And he just watches while I am bleeding.

Asking if we’re on a battle for disinterest
But he run fast full armored with silence. 

‘Cause I miss a guy named Hizuka.

Second Year College, when I first saw him. He was like an apple of the eye of our section, because he was a newbie then, a fair guy with a Chinese eye. Group was based on surname, and we're on it, on the same group. I am Rosales, he’s Tan. He was silent type, and I was alienated. But because much of our group mates belonged on a same “gang” we always stuck together for a task.

I know we were close then, he was closer to me than any of my block mates. Maybe because I was something far from a commoner. I mean like I was the one filled with guts to bother him.

Honestly he doesn’t’ know about this, cause the time that we got chummy, I wasn’t able to say serious things to him. But he is one of the guys that I really consider a friend. Though most of our classmates teased us, we know we were nothing but great buddies. And that’s what I really liked about him. I was so dependent on his companion but he didn't misunderstood it. I always wanted to talk to him, cause with him things are nothing but laughter and information. He taught me things that I don’t know, he fed me new info that he’s aware of. He teases me on my spelling whenever he borrows my note because he needs to cram for an exam. Gee.. I miss him. I miss my sophomore year. With him, I am being myself without thinking that someone might misread it all. We banter each other until one will stop to get even. We used to play fighting. We hurt each other physically; break each other’s arms and thumbs just playing. We use to talk about anything. Why he was always late, why he was so lazy coming to school. Anything. And really..

I miss him asking me to stay when I want to leave cause of hunger.

I miss him giving his skyflakes whenever I complain that my stomach’s growling.

I miss fighting for a fudgee bar (because that’s better than skyflakes.)

I miss having a soldier fight using slotted spoon and wire whisk.

I miss staying at the corridor talking what “rhea” in diarrhea, “itis”, in meningitis “emia” in meningococcemia mean.

I miss waiting for him in the class because he was always late.

I miss talking to him while stirring egg whites and got scolded by our group mates because we had over beaten it.

I miss staying at the lagoon asking him to show me some karate-do moves.

I miss listening to him when he talks about his opinion about others.

I miss saying my philosophy trying to prove that I’m better than him.

I know we didn’t have a good parting when end of the semester came, and I know we can’t go back to the place where I am missing him a lot. But still I am happy that once in a while we can still annoy each other. That he is still there ready to take his attacks. He might not aware of it, but I still value him as a friend. :))

(Sad that we don’t have pictures, he always does stolen shot, but I deleted it all.)

Padaan.

Hi! Para ko tanga sa pag-iisip kung anu ba ang ilalagay ko sa blog ko ngayon, pero wala naman ako maisip maliban sayo. Nakakatawa, isipin ko pa lang na makikita ulit kita, kinakabahan na ko. Pero sa bandang huli napapiling na lang ako dahil alam ko na malabo na mangyari yun.

Sabi ng kaibigan ko madalas daw ako magblog na kawirduhan, so ngayon kung ano naiisip ko yun ang ita-type ko. Ayoko na maglabas ng ideas sa kanila dahil pakiramdam ko paulit ulit na lang kami. Ako na magtatanong kung bakit ang bigat ng nararamdaman ko, sila na magsasabi na tumigil na ko pagdating sayo. Sasabihin ko na titigil na ko, per at the end of the day yung “why do I need to?” philosophy ko umiepal na naman. Ganun naman talaga, madali sabihn ang hirap hirap gawin.

Pero this time totoo na ata to. Bibitiw na ko sa kung ano mang meron pag-asa na nararamdaman ako para sayo. Mabigat lang talaga sa pakiramdam, na habang lumilipas ang oras palayo ako ng palayo sayo saka naman lagi lumalabas yung  tanong na kung makakabalik pa ko sa dati na di ko naman alam ang sagot. Pero naisip ko lang ngayon, ano bang dapat ko panghinayangan? Ang weird. You’ve just been a habit. Pero kung sa bagay every addiction naman naguumpisa sa habit di ba.

Sa totoo lang malayong malayo ka sa iba, kasi sila nakikinig sa lahat ng kwento ko, interesado sa lahat ng sasabihin ko, pero ikaw nr lagi. Wa pakels. Pero lumalapit pa din ako sayo para makwento.  Naisip ko tuloy bigla kung anu ang mahirap sakin para layuan ka. Muka tuloy ako kawawa. Wala ba ko friends kaya sayo ko sumisiksik?? Haha.. Mag-iisip na lang ako ng negatibo para madivert yung lungkot sa “so what?”.

Pagkatapos ko sayo panigurado ang hollow na naman.Naramdaman mo na ba yun? Yung sayo lang umiikot yung buhay mo. Yung ikaw lang ang inaalala mo. Tulog-kain-work. Siguro kung me isang part ng buhay ko na wala ako pinoproblema maliban sa school e yung time na ang boring ako. Wala ko iniisip, di ako nasasaktan, di ako nalulungkot. Boring in short. I was living in a series of monotony. Pero at least safe. Yung tipong gigising ako na nasa ilalalim ng kama yung cp ko, na maiiwan ko sya pagpunta ko ng school, na 3 days sya patay kasi nakalimutan ko i-charge. Wala ako iniisip kung me nadedma ba ko.. pero kasabay kasi nun nagiging walang kwentang tao din ako. Kaya siguro natuwa din yung mga kaibigan ko na kahit panu nakaramdam ako ng ganito. At least me pakilam pa ko at least nangengelam na ko sa nangyayari sa paligid ko. Pero exhausting pala to. Unhealthy. Kaya siguro ang taba ko nung mga panahon na dummy stick ako. Dummy stick ako nun pero wala ko pakelam, pero ngayon bakit big deal ang lahat. Kaya ayoko ng attachment e. Har..

Anyway babay. Wala lang ako magawa napadaan lang J

Before and After.

Before 2008

After I graduated from my BS degree I’ll enter med school and will be a successful physician.  I’m going to work in a hospital as one of the most hardworking doctors in the institution I’m in. I’ll earn money more than I spend. I’m going to help my financially challenge relatives. I’m going to enroll Rapha at music school and provide his finances in the University he will choose to go. He’s also going to be a doctor. That’s our dream.  I’m going to travel and take all the pictures of the sceneries that seized my eyes. I’m going to buy all the novels I like and put it in the library of the house I dreamt of. The dream house. I’m going to attend church every Sunday and give back to God the blessing He extended to me.  I’m going to be happy, successful and strong.

After 2008

3 years had passed and I’m still trying to be somebody.  Killing my self reading and reading book chapters and several articles for me not to get behind on every discussion we will be conducting now and then. Yes I’m still a student. But not in med school. Taking Masters I guess is one of the edges a young professional could have to get ahead on his field. And I guess that’s the reason why I enrolled.

I don’t have time to buy novels. But I have tons of book chapters that must read.

I don’t have money to travel, but I have lots of picture where I seized my childhood.

I wasn’t able to enroll Rapha in a music school but I’m working to confer our fees and gears at taekwondo.

I’m not graduating this year in med school but I’m trying to get my first step to be in next year.

Did I dream too much? You may call me a dreamer, but didn’t you have illusions too? Or don’t you still? Am I happy? After 3 years of working into nothing, wanting something that I’m not bearing, having something that I don’t want, gaining knowledge from something that I didn’t expect to bump in, being stronger to get on track. Why wouldn’t i?

I may be envy with my friends a lot of times. But Rapha told me once “hindi naman sila nagma-masteral di ba?” Sometimes option on leaving school and start looking for a full time job occurred to me, but whenever I think of that, I know that’s not me. It’s not the way I think. I don’t stop because of jealousy, I don’t quit because of short-time desires.

We dream and we hope. We work and we pray.  But some things delivered by a behindhand courier. So we dream and we hope again and then we stop trusting and start accepting what is being offered by the current.  Yep, this happened to me, but my dreaming unit just hide for wanting, not died.  You may call me unpractical. But Im not in a hurry. Who’s anyway?

You may call me a nobody, I know I’m still. But I know the finest suture is the one been worked in time. And God’s working on me. We are working on it.